Only a few days ago, I found myself deeply longing- soul wrenching longing for my mother. This kind of longing, is in fact unusual. Of course there are times I miss my mom, times when I miss her very much (right after giving birth, for example) but never have I felt this way, since becoming an adult.
We live in seperate continents, nevermind countries. I see her once a year, so far, which to most expats -that is good! She said goodbye to me and my family a few days ago (this post has been published late), and my heart sunk. Within, I curled up into a fetal position, holding onto her scent, her "being" and cried myself to sleep. But in reality, I kept on going, picking up after my kids, prepping for bedtime and for "tomorrow's lunch" etc. I swallowed my tears, until I couldn't anymore, and I gave my self a minute or two to straighten up and continued with my tasks. But, all I wanted to do, is push aside the responsibility, the load and become that daughter I once was. The daughter, I was once cared for, at home, by a mother.
I am a mother now.
Sometimes it's hard to shake off the "person you once were -reputation" and behave a certain way, from habit, with family, the way you used to. It's almost like, during family gatherings and visits, you subconciously taking the role you once unfortunately mastered in your family when you were a kid and growing up. I was a "hot head", in some ways I still am. But by God's grace and His strength and guidance, I no longer carry that sign above my head. A lady at church put it very wisely, "I used to live in my sin and acknowledge His Grace, but now I lvie in His Grace and acknowledge my sin".
How can the people within a family be so different, yet so alike? Doncha just hate it, when sometimes you open your mouth and your mother comes out!? SMILE! That WAS a joke, but so true isn't it?
Time flies, we get older, everyone around us grows older too. We do our things, get families, careers, attend and serve at church, surrender to and follow Christ. Yet, inside me, there is a little girl who misses the times she got rides from her dad on his bicycle to preschool, riding the bus with her mom on our way to the movies, and playing with her brothers in the sandbox, and the endless days and endless summer holidays that felt like forever. Now, time flies, I can barely grasp it. I just can't grasp it.
I have to believe that what God has in store for us, in Heaven, IS worth it all. Worth growing old, worth saying goodbyes, worth the diseases we fight, worth the tears we shed, worth everything we bare.. Heaven is and will be worth it all. This is a promise, I have to hold on to dear life.
My children, OUR children, are first God's before they were ever given to us. His love for them, is far greater than ours, multiplied, could ever be. His plans for them are perfect, regardless of how we feel about them (plans). Our parents are His children too. His plans for them, are perfect as well.
Faith comes by hearing, and hearing comes by reading. When trials and tribulations come, not IF, but WHEN they do...we need to be rooted fast in His Word, so that we may stand strong and carry the peace that surpasses ALL understanding.
