I Cannot Compete - This is Me

I think I've taken an unnecessary detour in my blog writing. I think I've let the blogging "peer pressure" affect what I write about. Mostly, I think, I've stuck to my true nature -being open and honest about real life, real feelings, real revelations, and real marriage, but I can see that I've also blogged about my "Martha life". Which I really don't do that great in!

I am no Martha Stewart. I am no DIY champ, I'm no super baker and no photographer. I don't sew well, I organize like a "comet", and I have so much more to talk about than chevron fabric and Thanksgiving crafts. I cannot compete with the best homemakers, organizers, bakers, photographers, housewives, and so on, so I quit. I quit writing this blog the way it is, and continue on like I know best.

I am a wife, who just like you, has to work hard in marriage. I am a mother, who just like you, loves my kids to death when they sleep so peacefully and, I swear to keep my temper "tomorrow' -and I fail...again. I am a woman, just like you, who day dreams about a better way, adventures, the future and hope to develop into a better person in all areas. I am a child of God, that has no good in me, yet I'm covered by grace. 

I think I'll just spend my time with my favorite people -my family, and blog about the daily life, motherhood, wifehood, homeschooling, pregnancy, things that make our life just that little more easy, the ups, the downs, and well, the journey we're on.

Hope you enjoy the difference!

The Big Fat BLAH!!!

Blah! Ugh! SIGH

The accumulated half empty shampoo bottles that clutter your shower and bath. The  pumpkins, from last Halloween, that are rotting on your front porch and strewn all over your lawn from a little soccer moment by the kids. The garbage from "that reno", sitting in your car port for everyone to see, that still is waiting to be driven to the dump. The dead bees from last summer that died on your window ledge are still there. The tightness of your clothes that discourage you and create self loathing. The hungry kids who want food now, and your kitchen surfaces that are full of piles of random things and papers that need organizing. BLAH! UGH! AAAAAAARGH!!!! The feeling of seeing your tidy home sanctum, become a messy-crummy-bitty-mess in matter of minutes and you get a unexpected visit at that very same moment. 

I have blogged about decluttering before. Many times. Today, I'm going to blog about de-itemizing your life. I think I just came up with that word. Yes, de-itemizing.

I have decluttered my home so many times, that I am beginning to realize that the problem lies in something else. How on earth, after decluttering a zillion times, do I feel like my head is still caving in, and my anxiety is still ticking within? What's bothering me? Why can't my soul rest? Each item that I have decide to keep I can really make use of. I'm seriously not a hoarder (denial kicking in!!), so I know whether I need it or don't. Usually my mottos are, "if in doubt, throw it out" and "if I have not used it within 12 months, I won't", and "if I need one, I'll just borrow one, or buy one then" etc. So, I know (think) that the stuff I have in my home is there to serve us. Yes, true.

So what if I really can find use for them, which would impact us in a positive way or impact someone else in a positive way. I'm sure these are great things, good things and practical things. We "need" them. 

However, if our house burnt down tomorrow, I wouldn't remember 80% of the things that we have in our home. I'd probably not remember 80% of the kids books, the stack of "tape and fix" kids books, half of our seasonal candle holders, half of our clothes, 75% of the things that are in our bathroom cabinet, probably all of the sheets tucked in a cupboard... all of those wires and gadgets, craft ribbon, baskets, jewellery,  nicknacks, bits and bobs.. and so on....sigh.

But why is it so hard to give these items up? Because my brain has been coded in a certain way.

I see a potential gift. I see a good opportunity for a family activity. I see a good homeschooling class. I see visitors. I see future recipes. I see quality time. I see a great sewing project, a rejuvenated living room. I see a hand written letter. I see a picture collage, a scrapbooking event. I see hospitality, a dinner party. I see a birthday. I see time to enjoy my family. But my time is limited. I don't have the time to experience these desires and ideas. I am a mom of small kids and my time is so sparse. 

I see rotting pumpkins and dirty skirting boards because I am too busy to do anything about them. I have decluttered yes, but I have not simplified my life truly. I am not talking about the other blogs that encourage a "10 steps to a simplified life", I'm talking about a complete freedom from the grasp of the way of the world. Is it possible?

There are so many beautiful things out there. There are so many inspiring and motivating craft ideas, clothing trends, sewing projects, bathroom ideas, books-books-books, party ideas, recipes, new gadgets, and lots of incredible and intriguing things. I cannot seem to walk into Walmart without buying something "which happens to be the coolest thing that day" and another addition to my "fun things to do" list. These beautiful things are actually robbing me, they are robbing my family and the time I have with my Lord. I can't fully create, I can't fully be present for my family, and I can't fully do a thorough job at home. Even though I have not done any of the 3 previously mentioned, I feel torn between them all and I freeze. I choose nothing. I watch my house become a mess, I see the dishes pile on top of an empty dishwasher, I did the minimal in teaching science lesson today, I see the organized craft projects on the shelf that I don't know how long it'll be before I can make them (maybe years?!). I basically freeze. My mind races, my ideas accumulate, I day dream. The home gets messy, my mind gets messy, the bathroom is messy, I trip on a toy and it sets me off. I'm shouting at the kids, I am yelling at the top of my lungs "GOD HELP ME!!!! I NEED YOU NOW, I CAN'T DO IT!" I don't want to be an angry mom that just drones on. On top of that, my nick name to myself had become "Comet".. I give a 100% on every project and new idea, diets, tradition etc..and it fades away in 2 weeks or so... on to the next new thing....and again, I go up and I go down....-Comet.

On top of managing the basics of the day, and as a homeschooling mom, I really don't have much time to tackle my ideas listed above or the time do bigger (and needed) clean ups or maintenance of the home. It's either tackle that sewing project I've been planning for 2 years or make dinner. Have a conversation with my kids or read the news online. Sit down with my hubby after the kids have gone to sleep, or organize the shed. I choose poorly and then I suffer. My home suffers and I feel anxious and uneasy. Because, I live in chaos. Decluttered chaos. Organized chaos. It's chaos.

I'm on a mission. I am going to de-itemize my home. I am going to give away, throw away, or sell a LOT! I don't know how much exactly, but all I know is that I will know, when I know, it is enough :)

I am going to get rid of things I love, I like and I probably will miss. It will hurt but I am determined.

I'm looking around now, and I see things I would hate to part from, but I have already made my decision to do it. A lot of energy is tied to items. Whether they are useful or not, they burden us. 

I encourage you to join me in de-itemizing-IN-December! Letting go, beyond the decluttering, beyond the organizing and labeling, letting go of the things around you. Become less, so He can become more in our lives. Lessen the things around you, even the beautiful things around you, so He can become more beautiful in your life.

More on De-Itemizing and De-cluttering HERE and HERE

Join me, this July 2014, on a 30 day de-itemizing challenge! Please share your experiences with me, I would love to hear!!!

Black Void

I have this black hole in my life. It started out small, maybe the size of a pin head. It gradually grew and as it did, I became more idle, immobile, guiltful, sad, and the more it grew the more I fed it. How do I feed the black hole? By being here. Yes, here, on the internet. To be more clear, on FB, on DailyMail, on other trashy "News Paper" sites and by accidentally coming across trash online.

I "quit" FB a few months ago. I still log in to check out the latest news and photos. FB has turned into a propaganda and Pinterest site. I scroll down the news feed and my eyes are exposed to everything. A picture of a starving child comes up with this: "like and share if you care, keep scrolling if you're don't!" Ugh,  I never feel good after my visit, yet I still visit. The DailyMail focuses on the negative and the evil of the world. It brings out the saddest and soul stirring news. I never feel good after I visit, yet I still visit. It's the curiosity that pulls me back in.

Our eyes are the windows to our souls. What we read and watch will feed our soul in one way or the other. EVERYTHING we read or watch WILL affect our soul and well being in one way or the other.

I have lived it. I am still living it. I chose to open up a tab and read the latest kak online. Sometimes, usually, more often than not, I come across the latest sad news on innocent children being hurt or killed by sick people. My heart and soul aches. The "well" written imagery on the ordeal creates images in my mind that are disturbing. Imagery, forever in my mind. I carry that.

In the same way, most of what is on TV, and its imagery is forever imprinted on my mind. Scary movies, (which I have not watched in years because my psyche can't handle it) vain and promiscuous shows. I carry that baggage. Baggage that is cancerous.

This builds up, or should I say It grows. My worry and disappointment grows. But the next day, I am at it again.

We don't have TV but I am still feeding my energy sucking void, by replacing it with the ones listed above.

Youtube is dangerous. I honestly believe that it has to be one of the most dangerous sites for anybody to be on, especially for kids. This is what I meant about "accidentally coming across trash online".

So I'm wide eyed following the latest gossip, show (youtube), tabloid and then after I've discharged(sucked out) my positivity and energy, I attend my precious gems. I am not present though. My mind lingers on what I've read, what I've seen and the after shocks. After shocks as in deep in thought, deep in worry, deep in compassion, and sadness I am not strong enough to carry. My children ask me questions, buzz around me, they talk... I nod, smile but I am not here. I've waisted my first hour of the day, surfing in trashy waves. How clean and fresh am I? How motivated and energized am I? Where is my focus?

Can you count the number of times you have logged back online to "check"? It's like going to the fridge again after 10 minutes from the previous time, again, to "check" if magically any food has appeared, only it is to check for news, latest news to only eventually see that it's all the same and time still passes by. Time you can never have back.

Not only that, but I have missed out on here and now, by being around but not being here. This poem called "Dear mom on the iPhone" is what I am talking about. Have I swapped being with my precious to being with the app? I don't want to, not anymore. Whether you are a parent or not, student or retired... where is your focus?

I know what the news tomorrow is, without even reading tomorrow's news, and I can tell you what it will be.

- NOT good.

Tomorrow's news is not good. Until the second coming of our Christ, Jesus, the news will always be filled with bad.

There IS good news though. Good News which will never change. regardless of what is happening around you, in your heart or in the world. Nothing we read on the news or see on TV can change the love story, the Truth that has been bestowed upon us. That good news is your life manual, the love story between God and YOU. The Bible.

Where is your focus? Can you put down your pinning on Pinterest, your daily sharing on FB and your logging in to your favourite gossip news site and focus on what really matters. Focus on the eternal? Focus on today, a gift?

Soul Food

Soul Food tonight, hurt. Hurt deep, felt good... 

It felt like I was being peeled open slowly, unraveling layers of busyness and finding a way to the inner part, my beating heart, my soul. 

My daughter laid in her bed and as I walked by she asked me to read "this book" to her, as she lifted up a thin blue book. In my busyness and frustration (after trying to put a baby to sleep for an hour) I said I'll read half, and began to read the story to her quickly...

First page, a mother is holding her baby, rocking back and forth singing him this song,

.."I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"...

Second last page, the baby all grown up, holds her at a nursing home.. rocking her back and forth and singing this song.

..."I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my MOTHER you'll be"...

The last page, the son, now a father, holds his baby daughter, rocking back and forth singing,

..."I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"...

As I'm reading this, I cry.  I look at my daughter, hug her and sing to her,

 ..."I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my GIRL you'll be"...

She asked me to sing it again. I tried singing it to her as I tried to swallow my tears...

I said goodnight, walked out the room, and cried. My heart aches.  I cry for the lost time. I cry for what is to come.

Thank you. Thank you for giving me the most precious gems. Amen.

Continues De-Cluttering

I have said it before. I have done it before. I have accumulated again. I am decluttering, again.

Not so long ago, I went through a 2 year decluttering process. It was hard, it was liberating, it was awesome! I got to spend more time with my family. I had less stuff to maintain, dust, pick up, clean, and re organize. It was an eye opener, a lesson, it was freedom.

After our BIG move, we started accumulating essentials. Well, we were surrounded by lots of giving people and before we even knew it, our home was bursting from its seams. Wow, that happened fast!

I began to itch again, to feel overwhelmed with stuff. Especially the little bits and pieces that were gathering and piling on top of kitchen tables and counters. It began to bug me. Random pieces.  I yearn for plain, for basics, for minimalistic living. Simplicity. 

Well I am half way there, emptying my home again. Getting rid of plastic, again.

Ruby Slippers - Book Review

Currently reading :  

Ruby Slippers

By Jonalyn Grace Fincher.

I wish I could read it in one go but, with 3 small kids to care for, I am taking small bits at a time. So far, this book is very liberating in many ways. 

This Book Review is written by the President of the Oxford University C. S. Lewis Society.

I hope that you get to read the book for yourself!